It has been hard for me to write the past month. I have been waiting for test results; doctor calls and schedules. My head has been somewhere else. I feel that I have been once again taken outside of myself by this cancer.
Despite the past stress and concern over what ever is in my veins at the moment, I have been struck by an unlikely source of inspiration. Inspiration comes from odd places. Apples fall and fundamental laws of physics are born. That is true of what happened to me yesterday.
I was watching Nickelodeon with my son. We caught the end of a Linda Ellerbee (I love her!) news report. She was discussing divorce and separation. Her final words struck me as inspirational not just for children of divorce but for all of us.
Her main theme was that we do have a choice. Despite our feeling of helplessness, we always have a choice. She said that "We can choose hope instead of fear."
That sentence rang like a bell in my head. I can choose hope instead of fear. Yes, the cancer may have hijacked one of my main veins but it hasn't hijacked my soul. Or my life. It has only added another level of complexity. I can handle that. I can take back control. Even if this 'thing' is a tumor there are options, treatments and possibilities. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind. I cannot let fear rule my decisions. I cannot let fear rule my life.
I choose hope.