Monday, September 15, 2008

The Final Round

Tomorrow I go for my last round of chemotherapy. What a long road! I know that it has only been four cycles but I would go through open heart surgery again before I would do any more chemo.
The most difficult part has been the loss of my brain. Chemo brain is a real condition. From the moment they shoot me up until about two weeks or more I can't form a sentence. I am blanking more and more. Although some would call that normal for me. I hope to regain some of my brain but am not sure that it will all come back.
My blog entries have been so black lately. I have been in a black space. The grind of the chemo is really wearing on me. It is hard to find the humor although I am sure that it surrounds me. The last two years of continuous struggle is wearing on my soul. I certainly could use some downtime.
I know that if I am wearing down, my friends and family must be burned out. I am appreciative of all they do -- I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them!
You won't hear from me for awhile. I anticipate this next treatment to be pretty brutal. Keep me in your prayers.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

So Many Thoughts

Last night I read a news article of a woman diagnosed with an incurable cancer. She has lived with it for the last ten years. Her blog was entitled "Diary of a Dying Woman." I am jealous. She has had ten years. I will be lucky if I get a few more.
Enough of the morose. There are so many thoughts swirling in my head. The last two weeks has one word that describes it very well -- surreal. Grab a cup of coffee and prepare yourself. Yes, Virginia, this really did happen.
We had a great vacation. Maine is so very beautiful and Acadia National Park a jewel. On our way back home I received three voice mails from my father. He asked if we could come home early because he was traveling north and wanted to visit for a day. Unfortunately it was impossible at that point. We were too far away to make it back in time. I told him we would miss him this trip and catch him the next time around. (There was no warning by the way -- he called on a Friday wanting to visit Saturday and we were 1000 miles away. Yes, he did know we were on vacation.)
We arrived home on Sunday night exhausted but content. I confess I will never drive through Massachusetts again. Nightmare. My prayers for all of you Bostonians. Guess who was waiting for us. My father. He had checked into a hotel to wait for us.
Now this may sound to many of you like a beautifully blessed event. I get to see my dad and have a great vacation. Let me explain further.
My mother passed away two and half years ago quite unexpectedly. Since then my father has had some difficulties adjusting. Now he is suddenly engaged. Dad also had several health issues that are quite severe. He really shouldn't be taking trips anywhere because if compromises his lungs and he inevitably ends up with pneumonia. (Which is exactly what happened.) Layer that on top of going in for my next chemo treatment the next day. You can see where this is going.
We met my stepmother to be. She is very nice and devoted to my father. I know that he thinks he is in love with her. So what's my worry?
My biggest concern is if they get married. They both loose their benefits. Health insurance, pension payments, etc. Neither has enough to live on without those benefits. My solution - live together. Yes, you read it right. I am encouraging my father to live in sin.
Oh, did I tell my father is a deacon in the Roman Catholic Church? And his fiance is a former nun?
Underneath it all there is another scenario. My niece has become engaged. She has moved in with her fiance. Her parents are quite upset. I can't throw stones - and not because of my father. I live in a glass house in this regard. Yet I can see my sister in law's point and waiting is a viable and good option for my niece.
So one side I am encouraging my father -- a man of the cloth -- to live in sin. And the other side I am encouraging my niece to wait. While I go through chemo round three.
No wonder I want to buy a RV and drive away.