Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I Did It! Again!

If you read the earlier post, you know that I am in deep trouble. Perhaps not as bad as a large aggressive tumor growing in my lung -- but it feels that way. It is probably because I was lulled into the quiet of three successfull scan.
It has really bothered me. More than I care to admit to myself. In fact, I really want to take whatever I can lay my hands on and throw it. With the satisfying sound of something breaking. Damn! I can't believe this is happening again.
Ok, that felt better. I am starting to view this as free therapy!
So, I really need to look at the positive. Look at what is funny or unique about this. My aunt had a good view on the self injections. She stated that this was my opportunity to face my biggest fear. I told her she was full of shit.
Tonight was not that hard. Yes, it hurt like the devil but it was easier and faster. The bruising in the belly is really minimal. Yeah!
Another positive. Giving myself shots is certainly easier than chemotherapy or open heart surgery. Duh.
Another positive. I now know what a junkie looks like with tracks everywhere. I could spot them anywhere. I could look for a career as a narc.
I'm on a roll. Positive again. This forces me to continue to take my happy pills.
Biggest positive. I got see the cute surgeon again - and he hugged me!
Bigger positive. My personal McDreamy drove madly 1000 miles just to be with me and turn around to drive me home.
I really love my husband.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Home at Last!

Yeah! I am finally home! They released me Saturday and we made the long drive back yesterday. The final plan is simple which is so nice after discussing everything from surgery to chemotherapy. The clot/tumor is in the right pulmonary vein (at the entrance to the heart.) Needless they do not want to biopsy this area. They also can't tell from the scans that it is definatively a clot. Apparently tumor cells can stop there to grow and be covered in clot material and be difficult to read in a scan - even PETs. So I am self injecting Lovenox everyday (a low dose of heparin) to dissolve the clot. In three weeks I will scan with CT and MRI again to see if there is a change. The amount of change will determine the next course of action. Of course, I am praying for a clot (who would've thought!) and a clear scan. They talked about a shot of radiation at the spot if it is a tumor but radiation on my vein gives me the willies.

They also ordered MRI scans of the brain and spin and pelvis. Just to ensure it hasn't moved elsewhere. I asked if they wanted to scan my toes as well.

All of this after rushing me to the urgent care center of the hospital with the directions of "Do not pass go and do not collect $200". Needless they scared the crap out of me. Yes, I am cussing on purpose.

I am overcoming my biggest, paralytic fear. Needles. Self injecting. Ugh. I hate needles. Pass out at the sight of needles. And here I am trembling as I self injecting. All of you diabetics out there are grinning but you can't imagine the fear I feel. Some people are afraid of spiders - I hate needles! (yes, I am the daughter of a RN and the sister of three medical people - there is a reason I am a writer!)

So I am watching and waiting for three weeks. I am supposed to go spelunking next week in Kentucky - they said I still could go. My only orders are not get into bar fights - darn.

I spent two days on the bone marrow transplant floor. The only open room of the hospital. I have a whole new level of respect for anyone going through that. They treated me with the same protocol. Masks, gowns, full body anitbacterial wipes, no outside contact, no leaving the room, etc. Boy, I count my blessings! Three months in that room without contact - I almost lost it after two days!