The Cure for the Blues

I have found a cure for the blues. An honest, never fail cure. Good crustly, grainy fresh bread - preferably warm with sweet cream butter. Even better with coffee or herbal berry tea. Trust me, it works.
For some this cure may take awhile to appreciate. Especially if you worhip at the alter of protein and spit on carbs. But for myself, warm, crusty bread is heaven.
These past several weeks have been hard. A real downer to utilize old folks lingo. The realization of what I am facing hit hard. Then I started. Ate my bread with some herbal berry tea. With a good friend. Better than chocolate.
Ok, not as good as chocolate. But so close.

The Worst Kind of Shopping

Almost as bad as shopping for a bathing suit, I went shopping for a bra. Since surgery, I have not been able to wear my old bras. The lines hit right on my scar - irritating to say the least.
I took my daughters into the dressing room after many minutes of staring at the large and varied selection. What happened to bras without underwire?
I found several to try on and with my daughters murmuring encouraging words began the humiliating process. The first was too tight. The second was too loose. The third felt strange. And so it went. Finally, I found the right bra. Megan thought is was too plain. Tightly whitey plain. I didn't care if it had purple polka dots. It felt good.
I am reminded of how hard it is too find a good bra. The straps slip; dig into your shoulders; underwire digs into your sternum; front clip unsnaps; pop out cup in big meeting; snaps undue in back and so on. It's a wonder we make it through the day. Or burned our bras in protest. Who designs these things?

Happy Birthday to Me!

I turn 42 today. I am firmly planted in middle age. Although I just had someone tell me they thought I was older. Happy Birthday to me . . .
We made a decision. I am going to wait awhile for chemo. Give myself some time to heal physically and emotionally. It is now a beautiful spring and I want to be with the kids. Together as a family.
I now can focus on my son and his needs. For so long the attention has been focused on me. Now I need to focus on him.
And my daughters. They have to shoulder so much. They need a break from the cancer. They need time to be with me.
It is a question of quality of life. The cure is as bad as the illness. We just need a time out to figure what to do from now on.
There is a relief from making a decision. I have the joy of life returning to a semblance to normal. Yet in the back of my mind I wonder if I shouldn't be more aggressive. I suppose I will always wonder.
Right now, it is a beautiful May day. I feel the need to celebrate. I am going to embrace my day!

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Living in Between

We have a plan. A tentative plan but at least a plan. Since my allergic reaction was so severe, I will see a allergist/immunologist this week. We are postponing chemotherapy for a time. Scanning more frequently to stay ahead of the disease. And trying to see exactly what is going on. Why the reactions. Postponing also gives me a chance to heal. Physically and emotionally.
A high and a low. And many good in betweens. I have to learn to ride the high over the low and live in between. The in between moments such as watching a movie with your kids; a good heart to heart with your best friend; nice dinner; sleeping in; a good book; a flattering look from a stranger; hugs from your husband; kisses from your children. The in betweens.
I am conflicted. Should I press on? Be aggressive. Should I wait and give myself a time of peace and healing. Will the tumors wait for me?
Again, the in between. Is there an in between on this? Either way, I plan to live here in my in between.

Flood of White

What a shitty day. They weren't kidding when they talked about lows and highs. A high last week with clean CT scan and a low this week with chemotherapy. What a shitty day. The sad part is it would have been a better day if I had chemo.
For more than an hour I was pretreated. Anti nausea; benedryl, zantac and IV fluids. Then the hard stuff. Within one minute, I experienced the worst reaction of my life. I struggled to breathe and felt pressure in my chest. I was paralyzed. The nurses sprang into action and pumped me full of benedryl and steroid. I was put on oxygen. Quickly, I came out of it. Overall, it took no more than three mintues.
Next week we are going to try again. Pre and post medications with lots of hope and prayers.