Thursday, April 30, 2009

A New Revelation

For the past few years I have been watching quite a bit of television. In fact, the watching of television has become something of a need. If I am not watching TV then I am reading a book. Or engaging in some mind engaging activity.

What does this mean? And why am I writing about it? My house is a mess. For years now. Granted I have been a bit busy the past few years. And my energy level is decreased. All of which adds to my Catholic guilt on not keeping a neat house.

I want to start cleaning my house but I haven't been able to figure out what I am avoiding. I know in my heart that there is some resentment into my not being able to work. I want to work. I have always intended to work. That is a hard dream for my ego to give up.

So why all the TV watching or book reading. Or general avoidance. I think that is the key word avoidance. When I engage in menial tasks like vacuuming, straightening or folding, my mind wonders. My mind is allowed to wonder and think about my life. Thoughts that I would prefer to avoid.

So I watch or read and keep my mind of the other thoughts. I figured it out. Now I just need to figure what to do about it.

Monday, April 27, 2009

How is Your Bucket List?

The sun is shining and the day beautiful. With my struggle this week at being rudely reminded of my mortality, I thought it was time to visit my bucket list. Perhaps a feeling of accomplishment will help feel as if I am moving forward.

Travel across country camping. A very long, multi week vacation driving to national parks, monuments and historic cities. Sharing every moment with my family. In the works and we hope to leave sometime this summer.

Deliver a comedy monologue at an open mic night in a comedy club. I think that I will try that this fall. I hope my friends will come and keep me from running off the stage!

Travel to Egypt to see the pyramids then onto Greece to see the Parthenon. Not yet.

Travel through Europe; especially Germany where my grandmother was from and visiting my distant cousins. Again, not yet.

Zip line over and through the jungles of Costa Rica. Watched a video of it. Does that count?

Whale watch off either the east or west coast. Perhaps we can do that on the trip out west. I may have missed this one. I should have insisted on taking a trip when we were in Boston. I know that I will get another chance though.

White water rafting through the wilds of PA or WV. This is still a good possibility.

Co host a radio show for just one day. Just like I did in college. Any takers?

Snorkel off the Great Barrier in Australia. Then onto hiking in New Zealand. Or the Bahamas - I do want to see the Red Rock in Australia though. But I won't be picky. OK, OK, I first need to get a passport. No big huh?!

So, that's my update. How is your bucket list coming?

It's never too late. Or too early.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

A Struggle Undefined

A recently had to explain to a colleague that I didn't know very well why there was going to be missing time this summer. I am planning a 'bucket list' vacation with my family and the comment I received back was "Well, I would like to take a vacation too. Not a good enough reason."

That led to the explanation that I have been avoiding for two years. My real prognosis. The lack of survival of anyone with the same metastasis beyond five years. Really only one person who has been named cured -- and they didn't have any metastasis. Also the real lack of options now that I do not have any real lung left to remove. Yup, bleak at best.

All week I have been in a funk. My mind keeps going back to that conversation. I couldn't understand why. I have come to terms with it. Why the big deal?

My daughter was the one who came up with the explanation. By naming it to a relative stranger, I was naming it myself. I was forced to face it again. After so many months of only looking forward.

Now I am forcing myself to be consciously change my mind every time I think of that conversation.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Hello and Update

As you can tell it has been a very long time since I have blogged. What have been doing? Staying positive, meditating, resting and preparing for a great summer. I just returned from my latest scans in NYC and I came back clear.

It is time to celebrate! I will be a year tumor free on May 7th! A whole year! YEAH!!!

I have truly been focusing on becoming healthy again. My hair has grown back. I am still overweight from all of the steroids -- but I am working on that. I think that I have licked the fatigue issue - tremendous fatigue! Napping everyday and all day fatigue. I went to see several doctors and everything has come back normal. And they checked everything! That made me feel good and I know with more exercise and diet, I will become energetic. It doesn't happen overnight.

Especially when you think what my body has been through -- open heart surgery, leg surgery, lung surgery, radiation and chemotherapy. All within two years. I am not writing for sympathy but reminding myself that recuperation will take time.

I hope to be writing more and perhaps doing some online writing. As a family we are getting ready for a long camping trip out west. My dream come true! I can truly say that I crossing off half of my bucket list!