I know that it has been some time since my last blog. My apologies. There is much to be think about. I have been reading quite a bit about cancer and mental games.
One author stated that there is a difference between reality and hope. She said that a person should be real and know that cancer may win. She said that know this is not the same as hope. Her reasoning is that when you are told the end is near then it is worse if you haven't faced it.
I know that I will die. How - who knows? I am OK with death. Always have been. Just like the saying - There are only two sure things in life - Death and Taxes. I am OK with death - maybe not taxes - but death is fine. Someday.
In my mind I have been trying to reconcile the difference. My logical part recognizes the despair that comes with bad news. I have felt it and know that searing pain. Yet, I feel that if I for one moment; one fraction of a second believe that I can't beat this -- then I am giving in. Facing reality is not what I need now.
Now I need hope. I need to believe in my soul that my life is about more than this cancer. My life is not held hostage by this cancer. My life is not going to end soon by this cancer. I refuse to face reality.
I face hope.