As many can tell by reading my blog, I have been struggling with a bit of depression. Granted, it is normal and understandble. That helps a bit. The problem is that almost every hour of every day, cancer is on mind. Just like when Adam was diagnosed and all I could think about was autism. Every day, every hour, every minute.
So bear with me if I whine this time. I think that a little whining is allowed. Just a little.
I am starting to feel normal. Life is readjusting and we are having normal moments - such as not being able to find the right screwdriver; cleaning up the spill on living room carpet; juggling schedules and realizing that the summer is scheduled and it hasn't even started! Absolutely like before the big C came into the picture.
These moments come and I feel like Ann again. Then something comes across my radar and the realization of what I am facing hits me like monster truck rally. An email from struggling online buddy; fax from the doctor; recent study with poor results; sympathy looks from the nurses; med report from the doc about life expenctancy and on and on and on.
The toughest is the reports on median life expectancy of 24 to 38 months. 2 to 3 years. Shit.
And now it is finding it's way into my thoughts and I am starting to accept this as OK. And that really is shit. I can't feel that way or think that way. I need to fight in my heart and mind. I can't be thinking I won't be around for my daughters graduation. I can't give in.
But I am so tired already and the fight hasn't even begun. I need to take my own advice and count my blessings.
1. I am alive today.
2. My daughters are amazing.
3. My son is doing incredibly well and a testament to what autism isn't.
4. My husband deserves a reward for the most patient and loving man in the world.
5. I have amazing friends who are an endless source of support.
6. I am going to Hocking to renew my vows. In a beautiful dress that I look great in.
7. I am clear of tumors as of this very minute.
8. I have a faith and know that despite all that has happened, God will take of me.
This is getting hard but I need to get to 10.
9. I am alive. That is worth repeating.
10. I have doctors that are highly respected who will know what to do when.
I feel much better. Thanks for listening.