Monday, June 11, 2007

Counting Every Day

As many can tell by reading my blog, I have been struggling with a bit of depression. Granted, it is normal and understandble. That helps a bit. The problem is that almost every hour of every day, cancer is on mind. Just like when Adam was diagnosed and all I could think about was autism. Every day, every hour, every minute.
So bear with me if I whine this time. I think that a little whining is allowed. Just a little.
I am starting to feel normal. Life is readjusting and we are having normal moments - such as not being able to find the right screwdriver; cleaning up the spill on living room carpet; juggling schedules and realizing that the summer is scheduled and it hasn't even started! Absolutely like before the big C came into the picture.
These moments come and I feel like Ann again. Then something comes across my radar and the realization of what I am facing hits me like monster truck rally. An email from struggling online buddy; fax from the doctor; recent study with poor results; sympathy looks from the nurses; med report from the doc about life expenctancy and on and on and on.
The toughest is the reports on median life expectancy of 24 to 38 months. 2 to 3 years. Shit.
And now it is finding it's way into my thoughts and I am starting to accept this as OK. And that really is shit. I can't feel that way or think that way. I need to fight in my heart and mind. I can't be thinking I won't be around for my daughters graduation. I can't give in.
But I am so tired already and the fight hasn't even begun. I need to take my own advice and count my blessings.
1. I am alive today.
2. My daughters are amazing.
3. My son is doing incredibly well and a testament to what autism isn't.
4. My husband deserves a reward for the most patient and loving man in the world.
5. I have amazing friends who are an endless source of support.
6. I am going to Hocking to renew my vows. In a beautiful dress that I look great in.
7. I am clear of tumors as of this very minute.
8. I have a faith and know that despite all that has happened, God will take of me.
This is getting hard but I need to get to 10.
9. I am alive. That is worth repeating.
10. I have doctors that are highly respected who will know what to do when.

I feel much better. Thanks for listening.


Lisa said...


I totally can totally relate to your feelings. I think that I had gotten to be pretty good at this patient thing, and now the return to life thing is hard. Finding a way to put everything into perspective and make it OK. I"m glad that you are renewing yoru vows and that you are belssed with a strong support system. Stay focussed ad now that there are people out there who will listen when you need it.

Anonymous said...

You WILL kick its ASS (oops I meant butt).. Think one day at a time and enjoy that one and move on to the next. Its okay to be depressed. Look at each day and see the blue sky, kids and renew those vows it WILL be a wonderful day. You have a second maybe even third chance at life and you are seeing the true meaning of life. It takes others forever to get it. Take Care. Sheila