If you have been reading lately - or any time over the past year - you know that not only have I been physically through a lot but struggling with depression. I have been seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants. All the necessary steps towards better mental health. Two months ago I started writing affirmations in an attempt to reprogram my thoughts and become positive. I also was given a wake up call by my oncologist. She told me, and I quote, "I don't know how to change your thinking." I admit I had stopped fighting and was accepting the prognosis of less than five years. Granted, I had just gone through open heart/lung surgery and chemo but this was deeper than that. This was constant thoughts of how much time I had left. I had pretty much given up on hope and settled on living the remaining time.
Now don't get me wrong -- I think living the remaining time is important. Incredibly important.
A series of events led me to read The Secret. I took to heart the passages about living a grateful life. I made a list of all that I was grateful. I told myself thank you every morning when I woke up. And I felt and still feel great. Positively joyous.
I also started meditating. Through the meditation, I began to think of more than the easy stuff to be grateful for. I started to think about the hard stuff. I began to think about all of those issues I have carried for years if not decades. I thought of fighting with my brother; sibling jealousy; rape; suicide; cancer; death; autism and every issue that I have faced in my 43 years. Old wounds that most people hide or don't talk about. How could I be grateful for those horrid and scary issues?
Through more meditation, I was able to come up with answers. Beyond the obvious if it hadn't for those issues, I wouldn't be here today kind of answer. I then wrote all those on a piece of paper and burned it. What a marvelous release!
Ever since that time, I have been fighting with myself to keep those thoughts of death out of my head. I have tried very hard to reprogram my mind for hope, health and healing. I am making progress. Those old worn tapes in my mind are starting to dwindle. Granted, I do have more stress today than before. But then again, I am less than a week from a trip to NYC and scans.
I had breakfast with my autism mom friends today. I talked all about my relevations - or my karma dharma phase as my daughter puts it. A good friend had trouble with the book because the book states that all that is bad that happens to you is brought to you due to your thoughts.
I believe that. She said how did that bring autism into her life. She really stumped me. Yes, I had thought about how I am grateful for autism but how had my negative thoughts brought autism to me.
That is when I realized my thoughts hadn't brought autism to me. Autism is a condition of my son. Most likely genetic - no different than a person's hair color. While I can't control the autism, I can control how I react to it and help him with it. I can work with him and send him positive thoughts, support and encouragment. I can do everything in my power to help him and put the rest in the hands of God and the Universe. I can also have hope. I can state my desires and intentions for his continued improvement and believe that God will provide. I did not give him this condition due to bad or negative thinking. I am giving up the guilt from this issue. I am not going to own that anymore.
You may be wondering about the title, embarrassing but necessary. I have been thinking of writing this blog for the past week. It is hard for me to write about all of those past issues - they are embarrassing. Yet it is necessary for me to write about it. It is like taking off a bandage - you need to pull it hard and get it over or the pain will linger. I have let linger far too long. By stating it publicly, I am letting it go.