I found a lump on my back. Just below my thoracotomy scar. A small painful lump on the outside of my rib yet below my skin.
OK, I was stripping wallpaper earlier this week. And I found the lump after I started wallpapering. My sister said that it could be a pulled muscle, stretched rib or a lump. So I stopped worrying.
Besides I am going for a scan in less than two weeks.
What I can't forget is that I started freaking out over the lump. I feel so stupid. Not because I found the lump but because I do have a plan.
In August when I was scanned I was not at all worried. I thought that I would be starting chemotherapy soon so if there was lump - no problem. Now that there may be a lump, I am freaking out again. Even though it only means I will be starting chemo. Just a little later than I thought.
Finding the lump reinforces the notion that this is a battle of lumps. One small step at a time. A marathon if you will. Not a sprint. I need to get used to thinking in terms of the overall picture without painting death at each bump and lump.
Sounds easy. Now let's see if I can do it.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Stripping Wallpaper
I started stripping wallpaper yesterday. The bathroom wallpaper. 30 year old blue flower ugly wallpaper. It was time.
I usually hate chores that don't involve books, radio or TV. They are boring. That's why I have trouble keeping to an exercise plan. It can be boring. But this activity, in my miniscule bathroom, was quite liberating.
I started thinking about what striping wallpaper meant. Stripping off layers. Out with the old and in with the new. Bright and fresh.
While I am not new, or bright and fresh, I think that stripping off layers sounds good. I am in the second half of life now. Who needs all these layers?
I love those commercials with the women with little makeup, wrinkles and advertising natural beauty. I believe in that - natural beauty. We are all beautiful - every last wrinkle.
Between the autism, cancer and now wallpaper - who needs all these layers?
I usually hate chores that don't involve books, radio or TV. They are boring. That's why I have trouble keeping to an exercise plan. It can be boring. But this activity, in my miniscule bathroom, was quite liberating.
I started thinking about what striping wallpaper meant. Stripping off layers. Out with the old and in with the new. Bright and fresh.
While I am not new, or bright and fresh, I think that stripping off layers sounds good. I am in the second half of life now. Who needs all these layers?
I love those commercials with the women with little makeup, wrinkles and advertising natural beauty. I believe in that - natural beauty. We are all beautiful - every last wrinkle.
Between the autism, cancer and now wallpaper - who needs all these layers?
Nightmares and More
Sunday night I had a disturbing nightmare. Frightingly real to the point that I could not wake up despite a full bladder. I woke up in a silent scream and could not go back to sleep. For hours, I relived the nightmare in my mind.
I couldn't think why I would have this nightmare now. What triggered this horrid experience? As soon as my husband woke up, I shared the dream with him. He suggested that I talk it through with my counselor. Good idea.
She had an interesting take on the dream. Even more interesting was how she led me to her conclusion.
She asked several quietly probing questions. Each question shed light on the nightmare. Like a spreading sunrise. Within minutes I saw the nighmare in a whole new way. I came to the conclusion myself -- even though she was probably there from the start.
The nightmare was a product of my own fear. Duh. I was completely helpless in my nightmare and I feel helpless in my fight against cancer.
Another interesting image from my dream was my carring a bowl of apples. Apparently that symbolizes my fear of not being able to care my family. I was afraid in my nightmare that i would spill the bowl.
I have never truly bought into dream analysis. I have had my share of psych classes and always thought it was over done.
I don't think so anymore.
I couldn't think why I would have this nightmare now. What triggered this horrid experience? As soon as my husband woke up, I shared the dream with him. He suggested that I talk it through with my counselor. Good idea.
She had an interesting take on the dream. Even more interesting was how she led me to her conclusion.
She asked several quietly probing questions. Each question shed light on the nightmare. Like a spreading sunrise. Within minutes I saw the nighmare in a whole new way. I came to the conclusion myself -- even though she was probably there from the start.
The nightmare was a product of my own fear. Duh. I was completely helpless in my nightmare and I feel helpless in my fight against cancer.
Another interesting image from my dream was my carring a bowl of apples. Apparently that symbolizes my fear of not being able to care my family. I was afraid in my nightmare that i would spill the bowl.
I have never truly bought into dream analysis. I have had my share of psych classes and always thought it was over done.
I don't think so anymore.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Falling Down
I fell off the toilet again. OK that may be more than you want to know. But there it is -- after six months, I am still falling off the toilet.
It is difficult to sit on hard surfaces. Since the cusion is gone in my left leg; it goes numb easily. And I am often unbalanced. Hence falling off the toilet.
Good news. I am finally sleeping on my left side. Yeah.
Yeah, I celebrate the small moments. Like staying on the toilet.
It is difficult to sit on hard surfaces. Since the cusion is gone in my left leg; it goes numb easily. And I am often unbalanced. Hence falling off the toilet.
Good news. I am finally sleeping on my left side. Yeah.
Yeah, I celebrate the small moments. Like staying on the toilet.
Real or Hope
I know that it has been some time since my last blog. My apologies. There is much to be think about. I have been reading quite a bit about cancer and mental games.
One author stated that there is a difference between reality and hope. She said that a person should be real and know that cancer may win. She said that know this is not the same as hope. Her reasoning is that when you are told the end is near then it is worse if you haven't faced it.
I know that I will die. How - who knows? I am OK with death. Always have been. Just like the saying - There are only two sure things in life - Death and Taxes. I am OK with death - maybe not taxes - but death is fine. Someday.
In my mind I have been trying to reconcile the difference. My logical part recognizes the despair that comes with bad news. I have felt it and know that searing pain. Yet, I feel that if I for one moment; one fraction of a second believe that I can't beat this -- then I am giving in. Facing reality is not what I need now.
Now I need hope. I need to believe in my soul that my life is about more than this cancer. My life is not held hostage by this cancer. My life is not going to end soon by this cancer. I refuse to face reality.
I face hope.
One author stated that there is a difference between reality and hope. She said that a person should be real and know that cancer may win. She said that know this is not the same as hope. Her reasoning is that when you are told the end is near then it is worse if you haven't faced it.
I know that I will die. How - who knows? I am OK with death. Always have been. Just like the saying - There are only two sure things in life - Death and Taxes. I am OK with death - maybe not taxes - but death is fine. Someday.
In my mind I have been trying to reconcile the difference. My logical part recognizes the despair that comes with bad news. I have felt it and know that searing pain. Yet, I feel that if I for one moment; one fraction of a second believe that I can't beat this -- then I am giving in. Facing reality is not what I need now.
Now I need hope. I need to believe in my soul that my life is about more than this cancer. My life is not held hostage by this cancer. My life is not going to end soon by this cancer. I refuse to face reality.
I face hope.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Celebrating Small Moments
My son dressed himself today. My amazing five year old son dressed himself. And I was in the kitchen.
In the past it has been a struggle to get my son to pull his pants up, pull his shirt down or buckle his shoes. I haven't pushed it. Just kept at it. Giving him every opportunity to do it himself and praise every little step.
We had three goals this summer. Give up the bottle, dress himself and give up the binkie. The bottle went first and he made the decision to end it. Dressing took a lot more time. Just accomplished thank you. And the binkie is at least confined to bedtime.
Big progress.
In the past it has been a struggle to get my son to pull his pants up, pull his shirt down or buckle his shoes. I haven't pushed it. Just kept at it. Giving him every opportunity to do it himself and praise every little step.
We had three goals this summer. Give up the bottle, dress himself and give up the binkie. The bottle went first and he made the decision to end it. Dressing took a lot more time. Just accomplished thank you. And the binkie is at least confined to bedtime.
Big progress.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Email forwards, Listening and God
A very good friend sent this to me recently. I have read it before and forwarded before but this time I paused to read it and think about it. Before I continue, please take a moment to read another persons forward.
This will give you the chills........ GOOD chills. A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible Study. The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder, 'Does God still speak to people?' After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several different people talked about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, 'God...If you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.' As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said out loud, 'God is that you?' He didn't get a reply and started on toward home. But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk. The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. 'Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.' It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home. As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, 'Turn Down that street.' This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, 'Okay, God, I will.'He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi- commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed. Again, he sensed something, 'Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.' The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. 'Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.' Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk. Finally, he opened the door, 'Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something, but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here.' He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, 'Who is it? What do you want?' Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. 'What is it?' The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, 'Here, I brought this to you.' The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began speaking and half crying, 'We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.' His wife in the kitchen yelled out, 'I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?' The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face. He knew that God still answers prayers.
(THIS IS A SIMPLE TEST.... If you believe that God is alive and well, send this to at least ten people and the person that sent it to you!!!!!!!! This is so true. Sometimes it's the simplest things that God asks us to do that cause us, if we are obedient to what He's asking, to be able to hear. His voice more clear than ever. Please listen, and obey! It will bless you (and the world). Phil 4:13 This is an easy test - you score 100 or zero. It's your choice. If you aren't ashamed to do this, please follow the directions. Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.' Not ashamed...Pass this on. )
I am not ashamed of believing in God. Nor am I ashamed in passing this along. My point is the listening. The most difficult part of listening is the noise in today's society. Noise from the street, radios, friends, children, TV and more. There is noise in our minds and hearts. Noise that stems from worry, anxiety, fear, happiness, etc. All of those ricocheting emotions that we experience daily.
Taking time to peacefully listen to the world and self will enable us to hear God. Whether that is through meditation, prayer, quiet walks or just plain turning off the radio when driving. I think that if I try to do that I may experience less stress. More time for myself (that I crave).
Maybe I will even hear God.
This will give you the chills........ GOOD chills. A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible Study. The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder, 'Does God still speak to people?' After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several different people talked about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, 'God...If you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.' As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said out loud, 'God is that you?' He didn't get a reply and started on toward home. But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk. The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. 'Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.' It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home. As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, 'Turn Down that street.' This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, 'Okay, God, I will.'He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi- commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed. Again, he sensed something, 'Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.' The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. 'Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.' Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk. Finally, he opened the door, 'Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something, but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here.' He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, 'Who is it? What do you want?' Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. 'What is it?' The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, 'Here, I brought this to you.' The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began speaking and half crying, 'We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.' His wife in the kitchen yelled out, 'I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?' The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face. He knew that God still answers prayers.
(THIS IS A SIMPLE TEST.... If you believe that God is alive and well, send this to at least ten people and the person that sent it to you!!!!!!!! This is so true. Sometimes it's the simplest things that God asks us to do that cause us, if we are obedient to what He's asking, to be able to hear. His voice more clear than ever. Please listen, and obey! It will bless you (and the world). Phil 4:13 This is an easy test - you score 100 or zero. It's your choice. If you aren't ashamed to do this, please follow the directions. Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.' Not ashamed...Pass this on. )
I am not ashamed of believing in God. Nor am I ashamed in passing this along. My point is the listening. The most difficult part of listening is the noise in today's society. Noise from the street, radios, friends, children, TV and more. There is noise in our minds and hearts. Noise that stems from worry, anxiety, fear, happiness, etc. All of those ricocheting emotions that we experience daily.
Taking time to peacefully listen to the world and self will enable us to hear God. Whether that is through meditation, prayer, quiet walks or just plain turning off the radio when driving. I think that if I try to do that I may experience less stress. More time for myself (that I crave).
Maybe I will even hear God.
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