Reminders of Grief

Your life can change in an instant. Yes, it seems trite and repititous. Yet the very simplest of statements are often the truest.

My father died yesterday. Peacefully and without pain after years of pain and loss of dignity. We re all feeling a strange emotional mixture of relief and grief.

I think because of his death and my recent brush with another mass have made think of the how precious our time is on earth.

Actually, we can think of that as death's gift. Death as a reminder of life.

Huh.

A Little Stumble, So I Hope

Today I had my annual ob/gyn exam. I mentioned some difficulties that I thought were attributed to menopause. The doc thought otherwise.

He did an internal ultrasound - yes, that is as icky as it sounds. Despite the jokes that are leaping to your mind. And he found a fibroid.

OK, that is not a big deal in itself. Unless you pair with my history of little lumps that turn into big deals. The docs say, hey no problem let's wait and see. The next thing you know you are on the table having open heart surgery.

So here it goes again. I am trying to not to think of the obvious like chemo failed and this is a new tumor. That concept is just too scary.

I am asking for more prayers. I know I will be praying.

Is it just keeping busy?

In the last few months, I have been working hard on the house. I refinished the deck. I wanted to completely redo it but I was limited by own strength and fatigue. I work for a few minutes and rest for hours. Taking that into account, I challenged myself to projects that were easy for me to complete as well as cheap. I wanted to spend little money with a focus on reusing items. Especially items that I had here at home.

The deck turned out wonderful. I rented a sander and a great time sanding the deck. A real Tim Allen moment. I wanted to grunt and drink a beer at the same time. I then purchased church pews for minimal money (the church was putting in new ones) and anchored them to the deck. I coated them with poly and drilled holes for drainage. But the best part was the table I made.

Using the kneelers and missilette holders, I made a table. A custom, unique patio set. I will brag, it looked very cool.

Now I am working on the bathroom. I fixed the leaky shower, replaced a faucet and am laying a floor. Of course, I am using easy peel and stick tile. And of course, it is taking forever to my children's' chagrin. They really want to use the bathroom.

But the bottom line is, I'm doing it. I am moving forward, feeling optimistic and getting stronger every day. With very little thoughts on cancer. Yippee!

I am also writing up our adventures on my website www.autismtravel.org. I love the therapeutic feeling of blogging.

Where Have You Been?

Where haven't I been is a better question? We returned from our trip in early July and for the past few months I have been focusing on unpacking, recuperating and in fact, planning for the next trip!

A surprise for me was the number of families who said that what we did - a long trip out west - was what they hoped to do. Their concerns were the same as our own with different twists along the way.

I came to the realization that the one good way to help people travel with their children is to demonstrate just how I did it. I hope to over the next several weeks write about the planning stage as well as the actual trip. How did we come to the decision to visit where we did? Why did we take a RV? How much did we spend? How did get the time away? How did you plan for children neurotypical and autistic? How did you accomodate for your own disabilities? and so on.

Then I will turn to the actual trip itself. Did the reality live up the expectation? Did the budget live up to the reality? How did we cope with problems? Was the trip what we hoped for?

My plan is to post something everyday so I invite you come back frequently. I will keep the posts short or like my mother says -- cup of coffee short.

The goal is to provide you the reader with some insight into what worked, what didn't and how you can do the same.

If you are interested, please visit http://www.autismtravel.org/apps/blog/

Hello Old Friends

I know that it has been almost three months that I have posted. So here is a brief update as to what has been happening.

In May, as all parents know, it was end of the year crazy. One awards banquet after another. Heaped on top with exams, partys and graduations. Then we sprinkled the month with getting ready for a month long trip out west.

Of course, in June, we were gone for a long time. I say a month but it was really only three weeks. We traveled in the southwest in an RV. We visited Mesa Verde, Painted Desert, Canyon de Chelle, Grand Canyon, Zion, Bryce, Arches and the Rocky Mountains. What an incredible trip! I will tell you more over time as I dribble stories over the this blog and the Autism Travel website.

July has speeded by with parties, unpacking, cleaning and camps. On top of that we came back to computers infected with a very nasty virus and spyware. I spent hours every day trying to debug and save our files. In the end, I scrubbed the computer and reloaded everything. I added memory and now I am back where I started. Thankfully, I have the laptop that works and I continue to work on the desktop.

So here's to old friends. And all the new ones I will make.

Mental Head Slap

One year. It has been one year since the big surgery. No wonder I have been struggling with thoughts and sadness. These big anniversaries sneak up on you. Your subconscious is trying to tell you to deal with it. My conscious is saying butt out.

While I know that I need to deal with it, I really don't want to.

I am going to side with my conscious on this one.

Filling My Days

Since my revelation last week of running away from my own thoughts, I have been trying to think of a way to work around it. No luck yet.

I can replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. I do that a great deal anyway.

I can meditate more. Except a good portion of my day is spent in meditation.

Exercise works. But I find that boring and tend to think more negative thoughts. Kinda self defeating.

So I am still thinking about it. I know that given time the answer will come. I just have to trust.

In the meantime, I cleaned a few closets. That does feel good.