A recently had to explain to a colleague that I didn't know very well why there was going to be missing time this summer. I am planning a 'bucket list' vacation with my family and the comment I received back was "Well, I would like to take a vacation too. Not a good enough reason."
That led to the explanation that I have been avoiding for two years. My real prognosis. The lack of survival of anyone with the same metastasis beyond five years. Really only one person who has been named cured -- and they didn't have any metastasis. Also the real lack of options now that I do not have any real lung left to remove. Yup, bleak at best.
All week I have been in a funk. My mind keeps going back to that conversation. I couldn't understand why. I have come to terms with it. Why the big deal?
My daughter was the one who came up with the explanation. By naming it to a relative stranger, I was naming it myself. I was forced to face it again. After so many months of only looking forward.
Now I am forcing myself to be consciously change my mind every time I think of that conversation.
Out of the mouths of babes.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Hello and Update
As you can tell it has been a very long time since I have blogged. What have been doing? Staying positive, meditating, resting and preparing for a great summer. I just returned from my latest scans in NYC and I came back clear.
It is time to celebrate! I will be a year tumor free on May 7th! A whole year! YEAH!!!
I have truly been focusing on becoming healthy again. My hair has grown back. I am still overweight from all of the steroids -- but I am working on that. I think that I have licked the fatigue issue - tremendous fatigue! Napping everyday and all day fatigue. I went to see several doctors and everything has come back normal. And they checked everything! That made me feel good and I know with more exercise and diet, I will become energetic. It doesn't happen overnight.
Especially when you think what my body has been through -- open heart surgery, leg surgery, lung surgery, radiation and chemotherapy. All within two years. I am not writing for sympathy but reminding myself that recuperation will take time.
I hope to be writing more and perhaps doing some online writing. As a family we are getting ready for a long camping trip out west. My dream come true! I can truly say that I crossing off half of my bucket list!
YEAH!
It is time to celebrate! I will be a year tumor free on May 7th! A whole year! YEAH!!!
I have truly been focusing on becoming healthy again. My hair has grown back. I am still overweight from all of the steroids -- but I am working on that. I think that I have licked the fatigue issue - tremendous fatigue! Napping everyday and all day fatigue. I went to see several doctors and everything has come back normal. And they checked everything! That made me feel good and I know with more exercise and diet, I will become energetic. It doesn't happen overnight.
Especially when you think what my body has been through -- open heart surgery, leg surgery, lung surgery, radiation and chemotherapy. All within two years. I am not writing for sympathy but reminding myself that recuperation will take time.
I hope to be writing more and perhaps doing some online writing. As a family we are getting ready for a long camping trip out west. My dream come true! I can truly say that I crossing off half of my bucket list!
YEAH!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
CELEBRATE!
Here is the big news -- I am clean! Dancing with NED!! No evidence of disease! I totally believe that I am healed. I have never felt better -- in years! My aches and pains are almost gone! The only pain I have now is perhaps in the Wii remote hand from playing tennis too much.
NYC was incredible. We had a great time. The three of us just hung out, went to musicals, strolled museums and ate like pigs. The only problem - from my daughters perspective - is that I snore at night. Sorry!
Here are some highlights: On the tixs board, Phantom was listed. We had great seats but the people beside us had bathed in perfume. I wasn't able to breathe and my eyes watered. I asked for another seat and miraculously, we were moved to the front row!
Saturday night we went to the Olive Garden on Times Square. There was an hour and a half wait. After watching the square for fifteen minutes, we moved to another less crowded area and bumped into a waiter. He asked how many of us there were and gave us a blinking disk. We were seated right away! A great table overlooking the square!
Our first room in the hotel was very musty so I asked for another room. We were moved to the same class of room but it was in a corner with a hall way and walk in closet. Much larger!
Here is the best part (next to NED) -- On the way back from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, carrying luggage in 10 degree weather, we finally flagged a taxi. I didn't think I would make the walk of more than 20 blocks. The taxi cab driver asked us who the presidents were from Ohio. Of course the girls knew thanks to Mrs. Cowley and Mrs. Heighway at Greentown Elementary. The driver then asked who so many presidents from Ohio. I replied that it was due to Rockefeller and oil in Cleveland. He gave us the ride for free!
We truly had a blessed trip!
NYC was incredible. We had a great time. The three of us just hung out, went to musicals, strolled museums and ate like pigs. The only problem - from my daughters perspective - is that I snore at night. Sorry!
Here are some highlights: On the tixs board, Phantom was listed. We had great seats but the people beside us had bathed in perfume. I wasn't able to breathe and my eyes watered. I asked for another seat and miraculously, we were moved to the front row!
Saturday night we went to the Olive Garden on Times Square. There was an hour and a half wait. After watching the square for fifteen minutes, we moved to another less crowded area and bumped into a waiter. He asked how many of us there were and gave us a blinking disk. We were seated right away! A great table overlooking the square!
Our first room in the hotel was very musty so I asked for another room. We were moved to the same class of room but it was in a corner with a hall way and walk in closet. Much larger!
Here is the best part (next to NED) -- On the way back from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, carrying luggage in 10 degree weather, we finally flagged a taxi. I didn't think I would make the walk of more than 20 blocks. The taxi cab driver asked us who the presidents were from Ohio. Of course the girls knew thanks to Mrs. Cowley and Mrs. Heighway at Greentown Elementary. The driver then asked who so many presidents from Ohio. I replied that it was due to Rockefeller and oil in Cleveland. He gave us the ride for free!
We truly had a blessed trip!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Embarrassing but Necessary
If you have been reading lately - or any time over the past year - you know that not only have I been physically through a lot but struggling with depression. I have been seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants. All the necessary steps towards better mental health. Two months ago I started writing affirmations in an attempt to reprogram my thoughts and become positive. I also was given a wake up call by my oncologist. She told me, and I quote, "I don't know how to change your thinking." I admit I had stopped fighting and was accepting the prognosis of less than five years. Granted, I had just gone through open heart/lung surgery and chemo but this was deeper than that. This was constant thoughts of how much time I had left. I had pretty much given up on hope and settled on living the remaining time.
Now don't get me wrong -- I think living the remaining time is important. Incredibly important.
A series of events led me to read The Secret. I took to heart the passages about living a grateful life. I made a list of all that I was grateful. I told myself thank you every morning when I woke up. And I felt and still feel great. Positively joyous.
I also started meditating. Through the meditation, I began to think of more than the easy stuff to be grateful for. I started to think about the hard stuff. I began to think about all of those issues I have carried for years if not decades. I thought of fighting with my brother; sibling jealousy; rape; suicide; cancer; death; autism and every issue that I have faced in my 43 years. Old wounds that most people hide or don't talk about. How could I be grateful for those horrid and scary issues?
Through more meditation, I was able to come up with answers. Beyond the obvious if it hadn't for those issues, I wouldn't be here today kind of answer. I then wrote all those on a piece of paper and burned it. What a marvelous release!
Ever since that time, I have been fighting with myself to keep those thoughts of death out of my head. I have tried very hard to reprogram my mind for hope, health and healing. I am making progress. Those old worn tapes in my mind are starting to dwindle. Granted, I do have more stress today than before. But then again, I am less than a week from a trip to NYC and scans.
I had breakfast with my autism mom friends today. I talked all about my relevations - or my karma dharma phase as my daughter puts it. A good friend had trouble with the book because the book states that all that is bad that happens to you is brought to you due to your thoughts.
I believe that. She said how did that bring autism into her life. She really stumped me. Yes, I had thought about how I am grateful for autism but how had my negative thoughts brought autism to me.
That is when I realized my thoughts hadn't brought autism to me. Autism is a condition of my son. Most likely genetic - no different than a person's hair color. While I can't control the autism, I can control how I react to it and help him with it. I can work with him and send him positive thoughts, support and encouragment. I can do everything in my power to help him and put the rest in the hands of God and the Universe. I can also have hope. I can state my desires and intentions for his continued improvement and believe that God will provide. I did not give him this condition due to bad or negative thinking. I am giving up the guilt from this issue. I am not going to own that anymore.
You may be wondering about the title, embarrassing but necessary. I have been thinking of writing this blog for the past week. It is hard for me to write about all of those past issues - they are embarrassing. Yet it is necessary for me to write about it. It is like taking off a bandage - you need to pull it hard and get it over or the pain will linger. I have let linger far too long. By stating it publicly, I am letting it go.
Now don't get me wrong -- I think living the remaining time is important. Incredibly important.
A series of events led me to read The Secret. I took to heart the passages about living a grateful life. I made a list of all that I was grateful. I told myself thank you every morning when I woke up. And I felt and still feel great. Positively joyous.
I also started meditating. Through the meditation, I began to think of more than the easy stuff to be grateful for. I started to think about the hard stuff. I began to think about all of those issues I have carried for years if not decades. I thought of fighting with my brother; sibling jealousy; rape; suicide; cancer; death; autism and every issue that I have faced in my 43 years. Old wounds that most people hide or don't talk about. How could I be grateful for those horrid and scary issues?
Through more meditation, I was able to come up with answers. Beyond the obvious if it hadn't for those issues, I wouldn't be here today kind of answer. I then wrote all those on a piece of paper and burned it. What a marvelous release!
Ever since that time, I have been fighting with myself to keep those thoughts of death out of my head. I have tried very hard to reprogram my mind for hope, health and healing. I am making progress. Those old worn tapes in my mind are starting to dwindle. Granted, I do have more stress today than before. But then again, I am less than a week from a trip to NYC and scans.
I had breakfast with my autism mom friends today. I talked all about my relevations - or my karma dharma phase as my daughter puts it. A good friend had trouble with the book because the book states that all that is bad that happens to you is brought to you due to your thoughts.
I believe that. She said how did that bring autism into her life. She really stumped me. Yes, I had thought about how I am grateful for autism but how had my negative thoughts brought autism to me.
That is when I realized my thoughts hadn't brought autism to me. Autism is a condition of my son. Most likely genetic - no different than a person's hair color. While I can't control the autism, I can control how I react to it and help him with it. I can work with him and send him positive thoughts, support and encouragment. I can do everything in my power to help him and put the rest in the hands of God and the Universe. I can also have hope. I can state my desires and intentions for his continued improvement and believe that God will provide. I did not give him this condition due to bad or negative thinking. I am giving up the guilt from this issue. I am not going to own that anymore.
You may be wondering about the title, embarrassing but necessary. I have been thinking of writing this blog for the past week. It is hard for me to write about all of those past issues - they are embarrassing. Yet it is necessary for me to write about it. It is like taking off a bandage - you need to pull it hard and get it over or the pain will linger. I have let linger far too long. By stating it publicly, I am letting it go.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Welcome to the New Year
I am rehauling my life. Changing my attitude. Starting over. A new day. Can you think of any other catch phrases?
I changed the name of the blog as a reminder of all that I have now. A thank you to this new chance I have been given at life. Thank you to everyone who has read the blog and supported me. You have been an anchor in in a difficult time.
God Bless!
I changed the name of the blog as a reminder of all that I have now. A thank you to this new chance I have been given at life. Thank you to everyone who has read the blog and supported me. You have been an anchor in in a difficult time.
God Bless!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Levels of Gratitude
I just read a post on another blog that talked about levels of gratitude. The first level of gratitude is charaterized as being grateful for things. The second level is being grateful for life and everything. Even the bad.
That may be a challenge. Yet one I am willing to take. I am going to start today and be grateful for the cancer. If not for the cancer I wouldn't be where I am today.
It is not just the small things but the large as well.
That may be a challenge. Yet one I am willing to take. I am going to start today and be grateful for the cancer. If not for the cancer I wouldn't be where I am today.
It is not just the small things but the large as well.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thank You Universe
Today I am grateful for . . .
My health
My husband
Megan
Sarah
Adam
My home
My legs, arms and lungs
My heart
My family -- father, sisters and brothers
Matt, Bruce, Mary and Cathy
My friends
Especially Monica, Cathie, Lisa and Katie
My neighbors
Especially Wendy, Brandy, Lori, Keena, Diane, Lisa and everyone else!!!
My soul sister Terrie
My doctors and their caring expertise
My Aunt Bitsy
My Uncle Peter, Uncle Curt and Uncle John
My Aunt Mary and Aunt Jean
My sister Debbie and mother Judy
My father John and Jim
Childhood vacations
Camping trips
Shooting stars
Cuddling with my son
Hugs from my daughters
Computer games
Funny TV shows
and the list goes on
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You
My health
My husband
Megan
Sarah
Adam
My home
My legs, arms and lungs
My heart
My family -- father, sisters and brothers
Matt, Bruce, Mary and Cathy
My friends
Especially Monica, Cathie, Lisa and Katie
My neighbors
Especially Wendy, Brandy, Lori, Keena, Diane, Lisa and everyone else!!!
My soul sister Terrie
My doctors and their caring expertise
My Aunt Bitsy
My Uncle Peter, Uncle Curt and Uncle John
My Aunt Mary and Aunt Jean
My sister Debbie and mother Judy
My father John and Jim
Childhood vacations
Camping trips
Shooting stars
Cuddling with my son
Hugs from my daughters
Computer games
Funny TV shows
and the list goes on
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You
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