Levels of Gratitude

I just read a post on another blog that talked about levels of gratitude. The first level of gratitude is charaterized as being grateful for things. The second level is being grateful for life and everything. Even the bad.

That may be a challenge. Yet one I am willing to take. I am going to start today and be grateful for the cancer. If not for the cancer I wouldn't be where I am today.

It is not just the small things but the large as well.

Thank You Universe

Today I am grateful for . . .

My health
My husband
Megan
Sarah
Adam
My home
My legs, arms and lungs
My heart
My family -- father, sisters and brothers
Matt, Bruce, Mary and Cathy
My friends
Especially Monica, Cathie, Lisa and Katie
My neighbors
Especially Wendy, Brandy, Lori, Keena, Diane, Lisa and everyone else!!!
My soul sister Terrie
My doctors and their caring expertise
My Aunt Bitsy
My Uncle Peter, Uncle Curt and Uncle John
My Aunt Mary and Aunt Jean
My sister Debbie and mother Judy
My father John and Jim
Childhood vacations
Camping trips
Shooting stars
Cuddling with my son
Hugs from my daughters
Computer games
Funny TV shows
and the list goes on
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You

A Shift in Thinking

For the past several months, if not year, I have struggled with depression. Not surprising considering all that my body has gone through. I want to change that -- starting today.

I wrote awhile ago that the universe was yelling and screaming at me. Well, the universe was at it again and this time I listened. I picked up one of those women's magazines that line the grocery checkout. There seemed to be an interesting article on weight loss. Something that I have been attempting for some time.

The article talked about a book entitled "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. I looked through her website and was initially attracted and repulsed at the same time. Her basic premise is that in order to attract anything into your life you must send out something. If you are negative, then you only attract negative. I understand that part but the part that bothered me was the section on creating wealth. If you want wealth, then you must love money.

That seemed to strike at my very soul. How could I love money if I am a Christian woman putting God first in my life.

I was then standing in Borders for last minute Christmas gifts and impulsively purchased the book, The Secret. I read it standing in line and am still reading it many days later. I must say that it has changed my life. It is not unchristian as it directly quotes the bible -- "Ask and you shall receive." She often talks about the Universe but that also means God.

I will write more later as I seek to understand all of it. For now, I am enjoying the peace and gratitude the book has brought.

To Nicole

Nicole, I did not receive your email through the autism travel website. If you could respond here I do receive it privately. I will not post it in response to this blog. Thank you so much! Ann

The Universe is Yelling

Lately, the universe seems to be yelling at me. As you know, I have been struggling off and on with depression. In my head and heart I know that this is justified with all that has gone on from my cancer diagnosis, my son's autism and my mother's death. Any one of those is enough to put a sane person over the edge. I have consciously been trying to put myself in a better place.
My doc suggested that I use affirmations. I made a list and everyday I have been repeating them to myself. Positive sentences like "I will live and believe that I am cured." I started out with putting Today in front of each sentence. That helped because I was in the place that I could only control this moment and this day. Now I am dropping the word today and even altering the affirmations to reflect more current concerns. I consider that progress.
It hasn't directly addressed my concern over the cancer. I still have flashes in my mind that "this could be my last" kind of thing. And I probably always will. But this weekend, there seems to be a multitude of messages trying to get through to me. Or perhaps I am finally open to hearing them.
I was watching a sci fi web series while cleaning closets. A chore that I despise. The main character described himself as death. He said "I am death. I will choose my own death in my time in my way." I just sat there stupefied. Those words are so morbid yet so hopeful at the same time. I have been handed a death sentence but the choice to live is mine. I can choose when to pursue treatment or stop treatment. There will always be a clinical trial or alternative medicine. It is up to me to decide. This was a real shift for me or perhaps a return to hopefulness. I feel as if I have control back in my life.
On the way to pick up my daughter's friend for a sleepover I heard a song that has played constantly on the radio for many years. Several of the phrases again seemed to strike a cord.

It's not having what you want

It's wanting what you've got

I'm gonna soak up the sun

Gonna tell everyone to lighten up

I'm gonna soak up the sun

While it's still free

I'm gonna soak up the sun

Before it goes out on me

Don't have no master suite

I'm still the king of me

I going to tell 'em that

I've got no one to blame

For every time I feel

Cheryl Crow's Soak Up the Sun seems like a summer song to be played on the beach. Not a song that my help a depressed person. There were many other signs this weekend but those two were flashing neon.

Thanks universe.

Back from NYC

I just returned from NYC with good and bad news. First, the good news is that there is no current evidence of disease. So I am dancing with NED (no evidence of disease!)

The bad news is there are a few 'watch' areas on my lungs. They have not changed in size but there are more. They could be just normal blips that occur with allergies, surgeries, chemotherapy and daily living in the midwest. So I am hopeful and am going to believe that those watch areas are just that - occurance from daily living in the midwest.

There is additional news that could be interpreted as either good or bad. My survival prognosis has not changed. I am still looking at a high percentage of reoccurance and an average survival of five years. I am choosing to look at it differently -- I have survived three major surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy. I have beat the odds to date. Hot Damn!

Overall, it was a beautiful two days to visit NYC. They sky was blue and temperature perfect. Not a bad trip at all!

Going to NYC

I leave soon for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. I will have CT scans and MRI's and blood tests and whatever they can throw at me. I am praying that they will find nothing. I think this is a certainty since I was tumor free before the chemo. If a tumor developed during chemo then the entire game has changed.
We are also going to meet with two oncologists. I need to have some hope since all the studies have shown that individuals in my situation live only an average of five years. And I have spent two fighting. That only gives me three statistically. A very small percentage live beyond five. I certainly am aiming for that small percentage. Unfortunately, there appears to be no specific indication of what gives you that advantage for the small percentage. Surgery, chemo, radiation -- there are no clear indications that any of those are more successful than others. Well, shit. So we are hoping that these well known onc's will have some clearer answers.
In the meantime I am eating the family out of house and home. First the steroids brought on a great hunger - and I mean great. Now it is just stress eating. At least I have lost the puffiness of the steroids. Now it's just down to fat.
Overall, I am doing OK. This was a difficult round of chemo. I am still exhausted all the time. Breathless with any exertion. I hope that will change as time takes me away from the last chemo round.
On the positive side, I have such great friends. Many brought meals these past several months. Thank goodness since cooking has been difficult. Two very good friends came last week to clean the house for me. What a blessing!
Despite the difficulty of this past year between open heart/lung surgery and four grueling rounds of chemo; stress of family and my own depression; I count myself a blessed individual. I wouldn't have made it this far if not for my family and friends!