A Shift in Thinking

For the past several months, if not year, I have struggled with depression. Not surprising considering all that my body has gone through. I want to change that -- starting today.

I wrote awhile ago that the universe was yelling and screaming at me. Well, the universe was at it again and this time I listened. I picked up one of those women's magazines that line the grocery checkout. There seemed to be an interesting article on weight loss. Something that I have been attempting for some time.

The article talked about a book entitled "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. I looked through her website and was initially attracted and repulsed at the same time. Her basic premise is that in order to attract anything into your life you must send out something. If you are negative, then you only attract negative. I understand that part but the part that bothered me was the section on creating wealth. If you want wealth, then you must love money.

That seemed to strike at my very soul. How could I love money if I am a Christian woman putting God first in my life.

I was then standing in Borders for last minute Christmas gifts and impulsively purchased the book, The Secret. I read it standing in line and am still reading it many days later. I must say that it has changed my life. It is not unchristian as it directly quotes the bible -- "Ask and you shall receive." She often talks about the Universe but that also means God.

I will write more later as I seek to understand all of it. For now, I am enjoying the peace and gratitude the book has brought.

To Nicole

Nicole, I did not receive your email through the autism travel website. If you could respond here I do receive it privately. I will not post it in response to this blog. Thank you so much! Ann

The Universe is Yelling

Lately, the universe seems to be yelling at me. As you know, I have been struggling off and on with depression. In my head and heart I know that this is justified with all that has gone on from my cancer diagnosis, my son's autism and my mother's death. Any one of those is enough to put a sane person over the edge. I have consciously been trying to put myself in a better place.
My doc suggested that I use affirmations. I made a list and everyday I have been repeating them to myself. Positive sentences like "I will live and believe that I am cured." I started out with putting Today in front of each sentence. That helped because I was in the place that I could only control this moment and this day. Now I am dropping the word today and even altering the affirmations to reflect more current concerns. I consider that progress.
It hasn't directly addressed my concern over the cancer. I still have flashes in my mind that "this could be my last" kind of thing. And I probably always will. But this weekend, there seems to be a multitude of messages trying to get through to me. Or perhaps I am finally open to hearing them.
I was watching a sci fi web series while cleaning closets. A chore that I despise. The main character described himself as death. He said "I am death. I will choose my own death in my time in my way." I just sat there stupefied. Those words are so morbid yet so hopeful at the same time. I have been handed a death sentence but the choice to live is mine. I can choose when to pursue treatment or stop treatment. There will always be a clinical trial or alternative medicine. It is up to me to decide. This was a real shift for me or perhaps a return to hopefulness. I feel as if I have control back in my life.
On the way to pick up my daughter's friend for a sleepover I heard a song that has played constantly on the radio for many years. Several of the phrases again seemed to strike a cord.

It's not having what you want

It's wanting what you've got

I'm gonna soak up the sun

Gonna tell everyone to lighten up

I'm gonna soak up the sun

While it's still free

I'm gonna soak up the sun

Before it goes out on me

Don't have no master suite

I'm still the king of me

I going to tell 'em that

I've got no one to blame

For every time I feel

Cheryl Crow's Soak Up the Sun seems like a summer song to be played on the beach. Not a song that my help a depressed person. There were many other signs this weekend but those two were flashing neon.

Thanks universe.

Back from NYC

I just returned from NYC with good and bad news. First, the good news is that there is no current evidence of disease. So I am dancing with NED (no evidence of disease!)

The bad news is there are a few 'watch' areas on my lungs. They have not changed in size but there are more. They could be just normal blips that occur with allergies, surgeries, chemotherapy and daily living in the midwest. So I am hopeful and am going to believe that those watch areas are just that - occurance from daily living in the midwest.

There is additional news that could be interpreted as either good or bad. My survival prognosis has not changed. I am still looking at a high percentage of reoccurance and an average survival of five years. I am choosing to look at it differently -- I have survived three major surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy. I have beat the odds to date. Hot Damn!

Overall, it was a beautiful two days to visit NYC. They sky was blue and temperature perfect. Not a bad trip at all!

Going to NYC

I leave soon for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. I will have CT scans and MRI's and blood tests and whatever they can throw at me. I am praying that they will find nothing. I think this is a certainty since I was tumor free before the chemo. If a tumor developed during chemo then the entire game has changed.
We are also going to meet with two oncologists. I need to have some hope since all the studies have shown that individuals in my situation live only an average of five years. And I have spent two fighting. That only gives me three statistically. A very small percentage live beyond five. I certainly am aiming for that small percentage. Unfortunately, there appears to be no specific indication of what gives you that advantage for the small percentage. Surgery, chemo, radiation -- there are no clear indications that any of those are more successful than others. Well, shit. So we are hoping that these well known onc's will have some clearer answers.
In the meantime I am eating the family out of house and home. First the steroids brought on a great hunger - and I mean great. Now it is just stress eating. At least I have lost the puffiness of the steroids. Now it's just down to fat.
Overall, I am doing OK. This was a difficult round of chemo. I am still exhausted all the time. Breathless with any exertion. I hope that will change as time takes me away from the last chemo round.
On the positive side, I have such great friends. Many brought meals these past several months. Thank goodness since cooking has been difficult. Two very good friends came last week to clean the house for me. What a blessing!
Despite the difficulty of this past year between open heart/lung surgery and four grueling rounds of chemo; stress of family and my own depression; I count myself a blessed individual. I wouldn't have made it this far if not for my family and friends!

The Final Round

Tomorrow I go for my last round of chemotherapy. What a long road! I know that it has only been four cycles but I would go through open heart surgery again before I would do any more chemo.
The most difficult part has been the loss of my brain. Chemo brain is a real condition. From the moment they shoot me up until about two weeks or more I can't form a sentence. I am blanking more and more. Although some would call that normal for me. I hope to regain some of my brain but am not sure that it will all come back.
My blog entries have been so black lately. I have been in a black space. The grind of the chemo is really wearing on me. It is hard to find the humor although I am sure that it surrounds me. The last two years of continuous struggle is wearing on my soul. I certainly could use some downtime.
I know that if I am wearing down, my friends and family must be burned out. I am appreciative of all they do -- I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them!
You won't hear from me for awhile. I anticipate this next treatment to be pretty brutal. Keep me in your prayers.

So Many Thoughts

Last night I read a news article of a woman diagnosed with an incurable cancer. She has lived with it for the last ten years. Her blog was entitled "Diary of a Dying Woman." I am jealous. She has had ten years. I will be lucky if I get a few more.
Enough of the morose. There are so many thoughts swirling in my head. The last two weeks has one word that describes it very well -- surreal. Grab a cup of coffee and prepare yourself. Yes, Virginia, this really did happen.
We had a great vacation. Maine is so very beautiful and Acadia National Park a jewel. On our way back home I received three voice mails from my father. He asked if we could come home early because he was traveling north and wanted to visit for a day. Unfortunately it was impossible at that point. We were too far away to make it back in time. I told him we would miss him this trip and catch him the next time around. (There was no warning by the way -- he called on a Friday wanting to visit Saturday and we were 1000 miles away. Yes, he did know we were on vacation.)
We arrived home on Sunday night exhausted but content. I confess I will never drive through Massachusetts again. Nightmare. My prayers for all of you Bostonians. Guess who was waiting for us. My father. He had checked into a hotel to wait for us.
Now this may sound to many of you like a beautifully blessed event. I get to see my dad and have a great vacation. Let me explain further.
My mother passed away two and half years ago quite unexpectedly. Since then my father has had some difficulties adjusting. Now he is suddenly engaged. Dad also had several health issues that are quite severe. He really shouldn't be taking trips anywhere because if compromises his lungs and he inevitably ends up with pneumonia. (Which is exactly what happened.) Layer that on top of going in for my next chemo treatment the next day. You can see where this is going.
We met my stepmother to be. She is very nice and devoted to my father. I know that he thinks he is in love with her. So what's my worry?
My biggest concern is if they get married. They both loose their benefits. Health insurance, pension payments, etc. Neither has enough to live on without those benefits. My solution - live together. Yes, you read it right. I am encouraging my father to live in sin.
Oh, did I tell my father is a deacon in the Roman Catholic Church? And his fiance is a former nun?
Underneath it all there is another scenario. My niece has become engaged. She has moved in with her fiance. Her parents are quite upset. I can't throw stones - and not because of my father. I live in a glass house in this regard. Yet I can see my sister in law's point and waiting is a viable and good option for my niece.
So one side I am encouraging my father -- a man of the cloth -- to live in sin. And the other side I am encouraging my niece to wait. While I go through chemo round three.
No wonder I want to buy a RV and drive away.